Avoidance

Ever since I started thinking about this blog I have avoided it. I wanted a place to collect all my thoughts and memories, the part of me nobody loves. The history that made me me but that makes me tainted just the same. I have been married to a wonderful man for 15 years and even he can't get past it. As a child my mother couldn't love me. I never felt quite good enough. It doesn't matter whose fault it was, it just was. As a teen I did what I thought was right and yet people still hated me. No matter how hard I try in this life to be lovable it never works. There is always something wrong with me. Even now 17 years away from anything remotely bad I am still not lovable. I am still not enough to negate all the wrong I did. How can this be. Why am I still here if no amount of good will ever be enough? I have done everything to be a good person. I've never harmed anyone. I always try to do the right thing by everyone, even when it harms me. How much Karma must I repent before I break even again? I say again but I think I was born into this life in the negative karma. I've had to prove to people my whole life that I am not trash and I'm still proving and people are still not listening. Even my husband can't see that I am really a good person. Even he can't let go of my past. After all these years I am still only the sum of my past before him? As if everything I have done since has meant nothing to no one. I realize to many a person this makes no sense as it enters the story in the middle and not the beginning but I am not doing any good at starting at the beginning so her I will begin in the middle.