Avoidance

Ever since I started thinking about this blog I have avoided it. I wanted a place to collect all my thoughts and memories, the part of me nobody loves. The history that made me me but that makes me tainted just the same. I have been married to a wonderful man for 15 years and even he can't get past it. As a child my mother couldn't love me. I never felt quite good enough. It doesn't matter whose fault it was, it just was. As a teen I did what I thought was right and yet people still hated me. No matter how hard I try in this life to be lovable it never works. There is always something wrong with me. Even now 17 years away from anything remotely bad I am still not lovable. I am still not enough to negate all the wrong I did. How can this be. Why am I still here if no amount of good will ever be enough? I have done everything to be a good person. I've never harmed anyone. I always try to do the right thing by everyone, even when it harms me. How much Karma must I repent before I break even again? I say again but I think I was born into this life in the negative karma. I've had to prove to people my whole life that I am not trash and I'm still proving and people are still not listening. Even my husband can't see that I am really a good person. Even he can't let go of my past. After all these years I am still only the sum of my past before him? As if everything I have done since has meant nothing to no one. I realize to many a person this makes no sense as it enters the story in the middle and not the beginning but I am not doing any good at starting at the beginning so her I will begin in the middle.

waiting for the punchlinewatched and judged by others

so confused

wanting something to be right

mostly feeling

sitting in my awful silence

keeping a the terrible secrets

wishing for a peaceful death

feeling utterly alone

uniqueness was a gift

I had nowhere safe to share

waiting for the end

crying all alone

not really evil

just protecting myself

trying not to be bitter

wanting only innocence

but already to jaded

to focused on surviving

on following my instincts

Not my art work

just my words